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 For Monday, October 26, 2009 |
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He's Being Abused Q: My wife is currently and has been having a long-term affair/lover for the past five years. She insists she is happy with my daughter and myself; however, she says she needs to just get out sometimes (to see the other man) because she needs some "personal time." I have allowed this situation to go on, hoping that she would grow out of it. Apparently she isn't going to. It has reached the point that sex between us happens only when this guy turns her on (she works with him) and she comes home "excited," or immediately after she comes back from his house after having sex. I feel used, abused and betrayed. I know I have been a contributor to the problem, but I didn't want the marriage to break up, and this "compromise" seemed to be the only way to prevent it. The situation is almost intolerable to me because I have to pretend I'm the other man when we make love, or she has to tell me in detail what they did while she was there. The whole thing is quite frustrating. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this — it's too embarrassing. I need some insight on what I should do or what my options are at this point. A: You are being abused. You probably should just move out, but at the very least you should tell your wife that she has to stop this affair or you're leaving. If you continue to live with her and suffer more abuse, then you're as much to blame for this situation as she is. Either you stick up for yourself, or you become part of the problem. I understand that you don't want to break up, but I don't really see that you have any other choice, since this "compromise" is driving you crazy. Q: What is the best natural way to promote a sustained erection? I am 61 years old and have become aware of a reduced capability in this area. A: I suppose you're one of those people who doesn't like the thought of taking a pill, and I don't blame you, though if that turns out to be the best way for you to maintain your sex life, you certainly should give it more consideration. But when it comes to the best "natural way," what you have to remember is that it is blood that gives a man an erection, so anything you can do to promote blood flow will be of help. So, doing aerobic exercise (assuming you're permitted by your doctor) to build up your circulatory system will help. Losing weight is another thing that will help, because that too will prevent you from having circulation problems. Q: I was raped at 5 years of age and have since gotten married to a wonderful man. I have extreme difficulty having sex with my husband, even though he is very loving. Do you have any tips for me? A: You might need professional help to get over this fear you have, and if so, I strongly urge you to get it, as a sexless marriage is one that is in danger. But perhaps you can teach yourself to push out any negative thoughts when they occur. The more you think about what happened to you, the harder it is going to be to become aroused with your husband. But if you begin to push back against negative thoughts by substituting some positive ones as soon as they appear, then you can get control of them. But as I said, if you really can't do that by yourself, then get some professional counseling. "Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50" (Quill Driver Books) is Dr. Ruth Westheimer's latest book. Have a question for Dr. Ruth? Write to her in care of this newspaper. You can also find her at www.drruth.com. © 2009 Karola Inc., All Rights Reserved Distributed by King Features Syndicate |
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